A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,

the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the

biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to

go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy

drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm

voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass

was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its

side near the broken window.

A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people

that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,

I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand

years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three

wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep

the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and

blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.

And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady,

what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every

country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done, "the genie said."And your homes will always be

safe from

fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a

woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your

wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we

both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about

you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same

for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of

the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and

looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your

husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still

believe in genies?

***

According to a news report, Golden Grove high school was recently
>> faced with a unique problem.
>>
>> A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
>> would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on
>> their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
>> dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would
>> remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
>>
>> Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
>> called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
>> maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing
>> a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night.
>>  
>> To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
>> asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
>>
>> He took out along-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
>> cleaned the mirror with it.
>>
>> Priceless!
>> Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
>>
>> There are teachers....and then there are educators!

***

A young blond goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.  As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign reads "SEX FROGS!  ONLY $20.00 EACH!  Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody is watching her.  She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."  The blond nods, grabs the box and is quickly on her way home.  As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.  She does exactly what is specified:

1.  Take a shower.

2.  Splash on some nice perfume.

3.  Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4.  Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens!  The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.  She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper where it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the blonde calls the pet store.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.  The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says?

"Listen to me!  I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time.!"

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put 50 euros in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied "Yah, but I rubbed the 50 euros on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that
before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered
open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because
instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to
beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the
poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think 5,000
euros is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick
exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was
Catholic?

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman
to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark
naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of
the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked
him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are
you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint
about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your
clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, " Those little bastards!"

 ***

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free." He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife. She said, "And just where do you think you are going?" He replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" she asked. He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year."

*** 

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

***

 Q: What's the difference between a Harley-Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

A: The location of the dirt bag...

Q: What's the difference between a dog on the back porch whining and your wife on the front porch whining about your motorcycle?

A: When you let them in, the dog stops whining!

Q: What do German shepherds and Harleys have in common?

A: They both like to ride in the back of trucks.

***

 Slow Down or Stop?    The police officer had just pulled over a yuppie on a new Harley for running a stop sign.  "May I see your driver's license and registration please..." the officer asked.

"What's the problem, officer?" the yuppie replied.

"You just ran a stop sign." the officer said.

"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a single car anywhere in sight."

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and only then proceed with caution."

"You've got to be kidding me!" the yuppie said.

"It's no joke sir." the officer said flatly, pulling out his citation book and preparing to write a ticket.

"Look I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one, and proceeded with caution."

The officer sighed and slowly shook his head.  "That's beside the point sir, you are supposed to come to a complete stop and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..." the officer began.

"You sure do have a lot of time on your hands pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed this early?" the yuppie asked sneering.

"SIR!" The officer sighed. "I'll over look that last comment now let me see your license and registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." the yuppie said, folding his arms across his chest.

A smile appeared on the officer's face. "Sir, I can do better than that."  The police officer quickly jerked the rude yuppie off his Harley, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.  "Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

***

Alternative treatment

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked".

***

Alligator stunts

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

***

***

 The Missionary's Position 

The Chief said "sky". 

The missionary pointed to his foot and said "shoe".  

The Chief said "shoe".  

This is great, thought the missionary as the two began walking together.  He's really catching on!  After a few minutes of more such lessons, they went around a bush and saw a man and woman hot and heavy in the throes of passion. The very proper missionary, totally startled and highly embarrassed, nervously said, "Man riding bike".

Instead of responding as he had been, though, the Chief ran up and put his spear through the heart of the man on top of the woman, killing him.

The horrified missionary asked, "What in God's name did you do THAT for?"

The Chief calmly replied, "MY bike!"

***

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't .have your kayak and heat it..

***

Guy on a Honda pulls up to a toll booth. Toll collector says "Two dollars". Honda rider says "Sold!"

***

 Stranded On An Island:   A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.  One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.  He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."  The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."   The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."   Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"

***

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

***

A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking.  The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"

"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!

***

There's a guy sitting at a biker bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making biker steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The biker says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

*** 

The Baaaaad Biker:

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a

drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,  staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says

nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says

"Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

***